and so the light goes out
by connanro-chan
Summary: Betrayal: to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust. Ahsoka trusted, and she was betrayed. Season five spoilers.


Ahsoka's breath catches in her throat as she pulls back from the edge, her lekku swinging. The dark, empty space below her is barely defined by the lights in the sides – she can see the ships going to and fro, though they can't illuminate the darkness. It seems like an abyss – an odd illustration of the emotions, the emptiness she feels. She's trapped, cornered: caught between her master and a thousand foot fall, and right now she'd rather face the drop.

(she'd thought Anakin was breaking her out but now he's the one chasing her down. Ahsoka had trusted him, trusted the Jedi, and now she is beginning to realize that they don't trust her, that they think she'd murdered the woman in a fit of rage.)

As she feels the clone troopers fall into position back beyond the tunnel, behind Anakin (they were supposed to have her back, yet here they were, hunting her down like a murderer, like a Seperatist) it hits her. They think that she'd been behind it, that she'd orchestrated the whole thing. They believe that she would turn on her own, turn on the Jedi, her home.

(How could they? She's fought for so long, stroke after stroke felling droid after droid on the endless battlefields, fought sometimes with victory, but too often with defeat. Ahsoka's tried so hard to protect them, her home, the Republic, the Jedi, and now they treat her as if she's used them, killed them in cold blood.)

She knows - she just doesn't understand. Ahsoka is a Jedi; her memories of her tribe are nearly non-existent (she was happy there, she thinks) and all she's ever wanted is to be a Jedi. ( _She is too old._ Plo Koon frowns, and she feels lost, wants to go back to her people, back to the warm earth and the unity. She stays, and the memory of her old home fades, until there is nothing left but a warm feeling, like waking up after a good dream)

So when she's accused of doing the unthinkable, of breaking the Code ( _there is no emotion; there is peace_ ) her blood runs cold. She feels as though her entire world is falling apart, and she desperately clings to the fragments, desperately tries to pull it back together.

They don't trust her; Council readily accepted her supposed betrayal, readily turned against one of their own. ( _There is no chaos; there is harmony_ , but Ahsoka can't find the harmony, can't find the order she's been brought up in through the tumult of her emotions.)

She almost gives up, almost lets her master take her back, where she'll be taken to court and be fairly tried, though she knows with utter finality that she will be convicted for the crime she didn't, couldn't do (because if the Council can't, _won't,_ trust her, how can she trust herself?) but the part of herself that fights hopeless battles just because, the part that says _fight for them, even if you lose yourself_ , hangs on, giving her a thread of hope. She will prove her innocence. And so she jumps.

(her master's face haunts her; the look of betrayal and confusion and _why don't you trust me_ will stay with her for the rest of her life.)

(perhaps she realizes that she can't run forever, that Coruscant is the Jedi's home too, that even with her master's knowledge of the lower levels she won't be able to evade them for long. and she can't. it is incredibly ironic, she muses, that the clouded, dark night sky reflects her inner conflict, while her blades burn bright with hope – jewels of the Force, reflecting bolt after bolt as she dances, carving patterns of light in the air. she can't hold them off forever.)

When Anakin walks into the Senate his face is clouded with anger. He's holding Barriss Offee, her _friend,_ (hold on Barriss, we'll make it out of here, I promise, my master will find us,), who fought alongside Ahsoka, who healed while she protected. Barriss's face is flushed, triumphant, and Ahsoka can feel the Darkness leaking out of her once-bright Force presence. And something inside her breaks. _I trusted you,_ she wants to scream, and everything hurts and she's angry, s _o angry_. She can't feel the Force, can't reach through it to feel the truth in Anakin's denouncement of Barriss's crimes. _I trusted you, and you betrayed me._ She tries to let go of her anger, tries to grasp the serenity and calm that is the light side of the Force, and finds darkness instead. Give in to your anger, it whispers. Come to me, I will give you strength. And she almost does, almost gives herself over to the anger, to the intoxicating power of the dark.

But Ahsoka is a Jedi, even though the Council has disowned her, thrown her away, and that's all she'll ever be. She looks Barriss in the face (it hurts _so much_ ; she feels the pain and anger and betrayal keenly) and she sees what is left of Barriss Offee. Barriss holds her head high, and there is a flicker of pride in her eyes as she confesses to the murder, to the manipulation, to everything, and _Force_ does it hurt to see the insanity, the shell of someone who had been her friend.

(Somewhere in the back of her mind Ahsoka can hear _I should have killed her then, I should have killed her when I had the chance_ , repeating over and over again and it _hurts_ (something is broken inside her and she's not sure she'll ever be able to fix it) and she grieves for her.)

But Ahsoka understands. She knows the madness of the battlefield all too well, with the dead and dying (the Jedi are supposed to bring peace, and yet everywhere they go there's destruction and _she can't stop it_ ) and she sees what the Jedi are becoming. So when the Council offers to take her back, when her master stands there, holding out her Padawan braid with eyes full of hope (she remembers their first encounter on the battlefield of Christophsis - how young she was, oh, how long ago) she leaves. She won't ever forget the anger and hurt and _betrayal_ in Anakin's eyes, the sound of his feet as he rushes after her, holding on so tight _(I understand, Ahsoka. More than you know)_ but she walks away (and she's not sure she will be able to trust anyone now).

She doesn't look back.

* * *

 **A/N**

I actually wrote and posted this a couple months ago, then took it down after about a week (because it had zero reviews, which obviously meant that it was Trash). However, Bat got me to post it on Tumblr, and upon finding out that I had a FF account, bullied me into (re)posting it here, and helped me proof-read and edit it. So this is dedicated to Bat. you go, bro.

Update 12/1/15: Went back and re-edited, managed to fix the formatting and added _line breaks_ (success!), and found some spelling errors.

(thank you all for the reviews! they made me incredibly happy. also sorry if I haven't responded to them!)


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